The One with the Malaysian Drivers

I guess living in the city these days traffic jam is a like a norm.

You stepped out of the door at 7am in the morning looking fresh getting ready to start a new day and when you hit the road, it’s JAM. What suppose to be a 25 min journey turns to 1 hour. Then you found yourself parking 10 min away from your company. By the time you step into your office, your makeup starts melting and you look flushed up plus annoyed. Best of all, your boss sniggers at you.

You finish work at 5.30pm. You are totally worn out coz the whole day you worked like a cow. Then you realize tat you have to walk for 10 min to get your car. No choice. You drag your tired feet to your car and you drive back home. You hit the highway and guess wat…JAM again.

You reach home 1 hour later and fall face down on the bed.

I dont remember how many times I almost fell asleep while driving to work. It’s a really terrible feeling coz this is the time all your organs turn rebellious. Your eyelids are trying to shutdown while your brain is begging you to stay focus. Then you do all kinds of stupid things to keep yourself awake such as bobbing up and down your seat, using your fingers to hold the eyelids, slap yourself, pick your nose, pinch your face, blast the speakers or even talk to yourself. Then the car driver beside you will think tat you are lunatic.

One thing I don’t quite understand is despite the number of highways and flyovers built over these years, the jams aren’t getting any better. WHY??? It’s because of the increasing number of tols, the increasing number of the traffic lights and most important of all ppl don’t like to carpool nowadays.

EVERYBODY DRIVES TO WORK. Imagine there are 20 ppl working in the same company and tat 20 ppl itself drive to work with their own car…huh…

Personally, I spent 2 hours on the road everyday which means 12 hours per week which means 48 hours per month. In conclusion, I spend 2 whole days driving in my car each month. Of coz I can avoid jams, wake up 5 am in the morning la! Then I might as well be a rubber-tapper. I really do pity those salespersons.

Frankly speaking, I’m already immune to the daily jams. It’s the driving skills of the insensitive, arrogant or impatient jerks tat pissed me off sometimes. Let’s place these buggers into 5 categories.

TOP 5 MOST IRRITATING DRIVERS

#5
The KIASUs
The kiasu-ism is escalating in the cities. You can spot these ppl in school, in work, in parking lots, in banks, in supermarkets having mega-sales, in pasar malams and most of all on the roads.

They are usually the ones who altered their car engines to make those irritating “zoom zoom” sounds coz they think they are F1 drivers. At traffic lights, they have to enhanced their egoism by “zooming” in and out as if they are competing on the tracks.

These ppl are usually very impatient and they like to cut in line especially during long queue at traffic lights. In jams, they will try to stick to the car in front as near as possible so the other cars cannot cut in. They will drive on the safety lane or try to slot here and there thinking they can go faster but end up reaching the same place at the same time as you.

#4
The KIASIs
“You Kiasu, I Kiasi!” I’m sure you have read these signboards in some cars before. When you do spot this signs and when you are in a state of hurry I suggest to you please don’t follow these cars. You will never imagine how they can affect you.

They spend most of their time getting ready to step on the brake. They brake at the slightest things around them. They brake when the car in front slows down slightly (I mean really slightly); they brake when they are about to make a turn in which the junction is still 500m away, they brake when they are about to reach the traffic lights even when the light is green; they brake when BIG lorries or buses are driving pass them; they brake when birds flew pass them and they brake even when someone honks on the other side of the road.

You are gonna be late to work, miss your flight or even lose your date. Trust me, they will brake till you break…

#3
The KIA-MATTAs
They are so obedient that they follow every rule and regulations in the “undang-undang” book. They never drive faster than the allowing speed limit and they always signal when they turn or change lanes.

They are sooo law-abiding that even at emergency situations they will still stick to the rule. They are the ones who cause traffic jams at peak hours coz they usually drive under speed limit on the fast lane. They are the stubborn ones who wont make way for you when you flash your headlights at them few hundred meters away.

Sometimes they are so slow that even the bicycles move faster than them. Despite how obedient they are, they still bribe when they get caught by the MATTAs.

#2
The KIALANGs
Unlike the KIAMATTAs, they break every law in the book. They “zoom” pass red light, they “zoom” on the roads like fast and furious and they try to learn do all the stunts in Initial D.

They like to tailgate you till you can see their nose hairs from your rearview mirror. They prefer to harass you till you make way for them. Then when you finally make way, they will stare at you with those fierce protruding eyes and then wave a hand menacingly.

If you see cars swerving right and left in the morning, then you found the sleepers. If it’s nighttime, then you better be alert coz they are probably the drinkers. In these cases, you might want to be the KIASUs and get way ahead of them or be the KIASIs and move slowly behind.

#1
The KIA-KUA-BOs
They are the most irritating drivers of all.

They are so busybody tat they will slow down at accidents happening on either side of the roads; they slow down when there’s a car breakdown; they slow down to check the vehicle’s number plate; I guess they even slow down when they see some animals mating on the side of the road. Those are NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, FREAK!

Once I encountered a situation where a car suddenly broke down and stopped by the roadside. Then this bugger in front of me actually slowed down till 20km/hr on the highway. I could see the driver’s head turning sideways to scrutinize the breakdown car! It’s not like he’s gonna help tat poor guy!

SENARIO:

KIASU was driving on the highway when KIAMATTA moved in front of him suddenly. KIASU freaked out so he flashed his high beam several times at KIAMATTA to move away. KIAMATTA saw the lights but chose to ignore KIASU coz KIAMATTA was driving at the maximum speed limit.

KIASU got angry and moved to the other lane, making the irritating “zoom zoom” sound but KIASI was on tat lane. KIASI hit the emergency brake suddenly when KIASI heard some “zoom zoom” sound. KIASU was quick to react so KIASU swerve to the safety lane without knowing tat KIALANG was speeding on tat lane.

*BAM*

KIASU and KIALANG got into a serious accident. KIALANG got down from the wrecked car and #&$^&#*$ with KIASU. KIASI got shocked on the next lane, braking over and over again. Along came KIA-KUA-BO to check out the accidents and a massive jam occurred in just 10 min.

I cannot believe I’m so wu liao writing all these. Must go sleep now, if not tomorrow I’ll be in one of the categories. Kia kia...